Thursday, October 9, 2014

desk makeover

My daughter moved into a sweet little efficiency apartment which means I am the lucky recipient of all her stuff that doesn't fit in it.

It's a good thing she's tiny.

That's okay though.  My parents are still storing some of my crap too.  Namely, the pool table we got for free from Philly's sister.

That, and all those sweet antiques I'm going to steal when they're senile enough not to notice they're gone.  I already scored this trunk and sewing cabinet.  But those don't count since I didn't acquire them by stealth.

This desk set (I use the term "set" loosely...I'm pretty sure they're a blended family) was one of the treasures to come home to roost.

That means Mama uses it however she wants.

Like to support her laptop.  And her generous ass.



That upholstery was heavy-duty, but surprisingly easy to remove.



I decided to give the set a makeover.

Philly says, "Did you ask Emma first if you could paint it?"

Me:  "No...but I just painted the next-door neighbors' satellite dish and I didn't ask them either."

No big.

So I got my yellow on and used up some leftover fabric from my new curtainry.


I was so amazed at my painting prowess. 


 If I'm known for anything, it's my attention to detail.



Stickler for detail baby.  Nothing gets past me.




I'm a freaking master.


**********************************************

Hey Jackass.

You missed a spot. 

**********************************************

So, I may have painted the stool while it was upside-down.  Oops.

I rectum-fied the situation.  But apparently I forgot to close the drawer all the way.



I left the top alone because it was laminate and impervious.  Unlike paint.  I've painted laminate tops before HERE and HERE, but laminate is like the Dick Clark of surfaces.  It looks brand-new forever.

Oh shit.  I mean Casey Kasem.

Oh wait.  He just died, didn't he?  Did they ever get him buried??  Oops again.  This post is froth with inappropriateness.

But I totally fixed it.



Which brings me to my next (and most relevant) question.

When you find a fruit fly in your wine, do you scoop him out and finish your wine, or do you dump your wine and start over?



I totally scoop him out and keep drinking.  That actually might explain this post.

And what the hell is up with my 99 GFC followers?  I've been at 99 forever.  Can't someone help a wino out?  Send me a friend.

Or this post will be brought to you by the #100.

And it will keep me up all night.





Sunday, October 5, 2014

i made some curtains, yo

I really don't sew.  I can't read a pattern.  But I know how to thread a machine, turn it on, and put my foot on the pedal.  And I can sew a fairly straight line.  I think I've told you all this before, but I tend to repeat myself.

I tend to repeat myself.

Oh, and I actually love to make quilts of my own design

I also know how to hand-wind a bobbin because the bobbin winders on both my cheap Chinese machines have now failed miserably and catastrophically.  Let's just say Singer isn't what it used to be.  In fact, Singer, you suck.  I don't do anything crazy with my machines.  I don't sew a bunch of bling onto my hooker clothes and I don't use it to stitch up my cat when she gets in a fight with the neighborhood whistlepig.

She won't hold still for that.

And now I can't even wind a bobbin on either piece of crap.


But who am I kidding?  I love to hand-wind bobbins.  It's right up there with having a colonoscopy.

Help.  I'm talking and I can't shut up.

Where was I?  Oh yeah....curtains.

Thank goodness I like very simple curtainry.  Drapery.  Whatevery.

I made matching curtains for my family room and dining room windows.

Here's the before of the dining area...casing is up here:



And here it is with curtains.  AND BASEBOARD!  WOOHOO!



And here we are with the table back in place:




Here's the family room before:

You get to see when we were putting casing up!  What a huge difference casing makes.


And here we are with casing, baseboard, and curtains!
 


Remember the chair I painted?


See my checkerboard table below?  That's one of my very favorite early projects:





In all fairness, I didn't MAKE the sheer curtains.  But they were actually more work than the heavier (outside) curtains that I DID make.

If you're interested in how I made the grommet-topped heavier drapes, you can visit Infarrantly Creative.  I followed her stellar tutorial.  They are stupid easy to make.  

This is not to say being stupid is a prerequisite for making these curtains.  It's just that you CAN be stupid and still make them.  They're that easy.  After all, I made them.

Here's what I started out with for the sheers.  They were stupid cheap at Tuesday Morning and they were EXACTLY what I wanted.  I never find exactly what I want.



Naturally, they were Highwater Jims.


So I bought extreees.  And this:


 And then I did this:



And voila!



I'm an expert tutorialist.

We got the curtains up and I hemmed them and Phil said: but they're touching the floor.

Me:  Yep.  That's okay.

Phil:  But they're touching the floor.

Me:  Yep. They're supposed to.  It's really okay.

Phil:  But why are they touching the floor? 

Me:  But why is the rum gone?

<sigh>

Anyway, I'm loving the final result.


What are we going to do on the wall between the windows?



I could tell you, but then my blog would self-destruct.

In three....two....one....






Wednesday, October 1, 2014

50 freakin' questions

The lovely and talented Marianne over at We Band of Mothers threatened to make me babysit for a week if I didn't answer these questions.  Since I recently became an empty-nester and no longer have the slightest clue how to care for small people (not that I ever really did), I figured it was in her best interest I comply.

1. What are you wearing?

Pervert.

But, if you must know, look HERE.  I'm donning that, and a few nipple hairs.


2. Ever been in love?

But Mama, I LOOOOOOVE him!  Of course.

3. Ever have a terrible break-up?

Married uber-young.  Divorced before most intelligent life forms have even considered getting married.  What do you think?

4. How tall are you?

Five feet, eight inches. 

Wait.

Five feet, seven-and-a-half inches.  I don't know.  It changes every time I go to the doctor.


5. How much do you weigh?

127 pounds.  On my wedding day.  Both of them.

Currently?  That same exact weight.  From the boobs up.


6. Any tattoos?

No.  After earning my stretch marks, I've had an aversion to anything else permanently etched into my skin.  But, by God, I earned those stretch marks.

7. Any piercings?


Ears, multiple times, but I only wear one set now.  Occasionally, I re-poke out the old holes just to feel young and sassy.  (I am totally stealing from Marianne on this one....we're twinsies!)

8. OTP (One true pair, favorite fictional couple?)


Princess Leia and Han Solo.  Shit.  Wait.  That was fiction?


9. Favorite Show?

Again, Marianne stole my answer.  Breaking Bad.  My husband looks like Heisenberg.  It's cool as hell.  We even bought him "the hat."






10. Favorite Bands?

Marianne is my sister from another primate.  I love the Monkees too.  But I'm going with Kansas.

11. Something you miss?

My tight ass.  I used to run marathons.

12. Favorite Song?

Dust in the Wind. 

Now I'm completely depressed.  My happy place!


13. How old are you?


Ummmm...44.  At the moment.

14. Zodiac sign?


I never learned how to sign.


15. Quality to look for in a partner.


Someone who knows how to fix shit.  The right way.
And who loves me, even though I'm not "what he bought."


16. Favorite Quote? 


"Is it just me, or am I tired?"
-my baby girl, Emma


17. Favorite Actor?


Tom Hanks

18. Favorite Color?

The color of sparkly diamonds.


19. Loud music or soft?

 

I mostly go for books on CD.

20. Where do you go when you are sad?


To wine.  (Stole from Marianne again....but I go there happy, too...)


21.  How long does it take you to shower?

Depends if Sasquatch has to shave.


22.  How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Ready for what?

23. Ever been in a physical fight?


Yes.  My freshman year in high school, my friend Amy and I were bullied by a junior and a senior.  They kept taunting us and calling us lesbians.  Seriously?  Had I been gay, I wouldn't have had a divorce or stretch marks.  I finally took matters into my own hands.  They never bothered us again.

24. Turn on?

#6 from Battlestar Galactica.  Maybe I need to rethink that gay thing.

25. Turn-off?


There's an off switch?


26. The reason I started blogging?

Heisenberg and I built our dream home.  It's ongoing.  I wanted a place I could document our dream because I suck at scrap-booking.  I don't even have photo books of my kids.

But I have 10,000 pictures of my dog.


27. Fears?

Losing a child.  And not like that one time at the mall.  Who told you??

28. Last thing that made you cry?

My colon.  It's shitty.

29. Last time you said you loved someone?

Well, it certainly wasn't my damn cat.

30. Meaning behind the name of your blog (Delusions of Ingenuity)?

There's supposed to be a meaning?

31. Last book you read?

The Apprentice by Tess Gerritsen.

32. Book you are currently reading?

Abducted - A Lizzy Gardner Novel.  It was a freebie I downloaded on Mr. Kindle.  It's....okay.  It's really well-written in some places, and in others, it feels like someone else took over.


33. Last show you watched?

The Good Wife.  No wait...Rizzoli and Isles.  No wait...

This could go on forever.


34. Last person you talked to?


Phil.  But he usually does most the talking.

He's in sales.


35. The relationship between you and the person you just texted?

My sweet daughter.

36. Favorite food?

Pinot Grigio.

 
37. Place you want to visit?

Scotland.  I would love to get my ass back in gear and run the Loch Ness Marathon and see Nessie.  And I'm obsessed with the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon.


38. Last place you were?

Most likely in the crapper.

39.  Do you have a crush?

Well, I do like Marianne.


40. Last time you kissed someone?


Phil.  No.  Eddie.


 

41. Last time you were insulted?

I can't remember, but it was probably when someone told me my memory sucks.

42. Favorite flavor of sweet?

Ummmm...chocolate?

43. What instruments do you play?

I used to be pretty fly at the piano.  Now I let my daughter wear that title.

44. Favorite piece of jewelry?

A beaded necklace Danny made for me in preschool.  I'm not as good a mom as Marianne.  I'm going for my wedding ring.

45. Last sport you played?

Does laundry count?

46. Last song you sang?

Probably Take a Chance on Me.  Every once in a while, Phil and I get in our Abba groove and he does backup.  Freaks the kids the hell out.

47. Favorite chat up line?

Yeah...I got nothin.

48. Have you ever used it?

 

Used what?

49.  Last time you hung out with anyone?


I don't really hang.  So I guess that would be Phil since we've kinda shacked up.

50. Who should answer these questions next?

I'm passing the torch to:

My bestie, Heather, at the Beating Hearth.
Hilarious Bliss at Bliss Ranch
Says-it-like-it-is Dana at Witless Relocation Program.
My dry-wit hero, Janie Junebug at WOMEN: We Shall Overcome.

Of course, no obligation.  But I know where you live.

Okay, I don't.  So no biggie if you don't want to play.


Thursday, September 25, 2014

rock me ama-daisy

I was visiting one of my favorite people (favorite because she gives me free plants and stuff--and she's just an all-around sweetie), and I see this fabulous mission-style rocking chair in her garage.


Naturally, I gush all over it and tell her how much I'd love to have its children and live happily ever after with it.

"Really???" says she.  "I'm going to get rid of it.  It's too big for my room."

Tazmanian Devil wheels are a'spinnin' in my gray matter.

Moi:  Soooo....how much do you want for it?

All-Around Sweetie:  Well....I think I'm going to ask $15.  That's what I paid for it at the thrift store.  I thought I'd just put it on the driveway with a sign and see if anyone would buy it.

Moi:  I'LL BUY IT!!!!!!!!

I only had a $20 in my purse, so we traded up and I brought the father of my new rockin' children home.

The fabric was covered in cat hair but that's nothing a little bonfire won't fix.  (No actual cats were injured in the recovering of this chair.  Not even THAT DAMN CAT.)

A great-looking chair...just not very happy.


Here he is with his pants down:


I removed all the staples (you know the story) and cut a new piece of foam to fit (the foam was camera-shy).


Then the staple gun and I got our rhythm down (I love that gun) and got that chair ready for my bum.



So much happier now!


You'll notice I didn't paint it.  The wood is in fabulous shape, and let's face it...if he's going to be my chair-baby-daddy, he needs wood.

And daisies.  Does that make him a transvestite?



OH!  I forgot to tell you the funniest part about our trip to Mackinac!  I had just bought Eddie a new bed and took it to Gramma's.  (Gramma locks him up in her pantry/laundry room because she doesn't like nighttime doggy snuggles.)  He hated the new bed.  So he slept on her bag of potatoes instead.

Silly Mr. Potato Schnauzer.  Eddie wishes I would stop forcing him to pose for the gratuitous dog shot.



Do you have a favorite reading nook?  This is now mine.


And it gives Fred a place to hang out while we're gone.


If you look closely (above) you'll get a sneak-peak at the curtains I just made.  

Rock Me Ama-Daisy.

And a little Rock Me Amadeus for those of you who got the title.



Partying!
Anything Blue Friday

Saturday, September 20, 2014

land, ho!

Ah...the power of a comma...

Philly and I celebrated our 15th adversity day last month.  Perhaps you recall last year when I posted about our 14th adversity HERE.

We went on an island vacation.  Mackinac Island, to be exact.  Now, before we go any further, I feel compelled to educate us.  Even though it's spelled "Mackinac," it's pronounced "Mackinaw."  It can be spelled either way, but it's always pronounced "awwwww."  HERE is an explanation.  Learn it; remember it.

There will be a quiz later.

Ever since seeing Somewhere In Time, I've wanted to visit Mackinac Island.

Do you love that movie too?

source

It made me want to go to Mackinac.  So, naturally, Philly took me. 

Eddie wanted to go.

All my bags are packed...I'm ready to go....

We left Eddie with Gramma and headed out.  Eddie loves Gramma because she never runs out of Grampa's beer.

 

We loaded up my guilty pleasure with our bicycles and other necessities for the week.  Did you know there are no cars allowed on Mackinac?  They had to get special permission from the island for Christopher Reeve to drive his car during filming of Somewhere.  You can get around this 3-mile-long island on foot, bicycle, or horse-drawn carriage.  (It's just over 8 miles if you traverse the whole perimeter, which we did.)

But first...getting there!  Because getting there is half the fun a long-ass drive.  Fortunately, one of my favorite friends (Dr. Jeanne) lives in Holland, MI, so we made a pit stop there on the way up and had a ménage à trois.

It was yummy.


Later (and very picture-heavy)....

We crossed the Mackinac Bridge.  The 5th longest suspension bridge in the world.  It gave me the collywobbles.


But before we knew it, we were on the ferry to Mackinac!



Our first view of the Grand Hotel:


This place looked haunted to me:



We rode our bikes all around the island, and we saw these Rock Jengas everywhere!  Naturally, we played too.


We visited Fort Mackinac and I was more interested in the furniture than anything else.  I want this stove.



I don't want this dresser.

But I had to take a picture because the pulls look like nutsacks.



Phil got really excited about the jail.



They had these wax figures, and for some reason, this kid freaked me the hell out.



Like we could resist:



MUCH better!!



What a child.




 This one may be my favorite:



We ate lunch at the outdoor cafe at the Fort.  The view was incredible.






The Grand Hotel was amazing.  On the outside.


 Here's a panorama shot:



The inside was nothing short of horrible.  I'm so glad we didn't rob that bank so we could afford to stay here.  I would have been beyond upset.

Garish is the best single-word descriptor I can some up with.

That sofa is made of vinyl.



That's tent material inside the cupola bar...the very top center part of the Grand Hotel.  And that chandi?  Classy.



Green fuzzy sombrero.

And giant cheeser. 


This dining room does not help my appetite...



I don't know what period they are trying to replicate, but I find my monthly period to be less offensive.



There were horses (and horse poop) everywhere.



We ate tons of food.  It was good, but I wouldn't say any of it was great.  Of course, that didn't stop us from eating more food.

Our last night on the island was September 11.  We attended a memorial service and I cried.  And cried.  I'm tearing again just thinking about it.



Finally, for those of you who are (or aren't) familiar with the theme song from Somewhere In Time, I've plunked it out on the piano.

I believe I saw an interview with Jane Seymour where she said she asked John Barry to compose this piece even though they couldn't afford him.  I believe he wrote it free of charge...but I'm not 100% certain.

I AM 100% certain that this rendition is free of charge.  Please forgive the mistakes and the pink pajama pants.  And if you look closely, you'll see Philly wandering around in the reflection of the piano.